7th Annual Tacky Christmas Party SoireeSpectacular
This serves as the homepage for WikiChristmasLeaks. Tens and possibly twenties of documents have been anonymously leaked to the WikiChristmasLeaks site (here). These documents contain classified and top secret information relating to the proper celebration of the Tacky Christmas party. Names have been named. Stay tuned to this blog for leaked info, pictures, party info, etc. See original post for additional details.
NOTES ON PLANNED INTERACTIVE PARTY GAME DISCOVERED
WikiChristmasLeaks has received word that this document was intended for release at the party. It is apparently some sort of completion game. The idea is to complete items in the squares. Traditionally, this is known as the American game of Bingo, with a player winning with a complete row, column, or diagonal line. It has also been known to be played to completion of the entire board, or "blackout."
We have it on good authority that first to blackout* wins a significant prize.
We all love pets here at the 7th Annual Tacky Christmas Party SoireeSpectacular, so why not get them involved in the tackiness. No, this little guy is TOO CUUUUTE to be tacky. He would look adorable in the most ridiculous sweater....
But this is a stunning example of tackiness at it's finest.....
EXTREMELY urgent news has just been handed in to WikiChristmasLeaks.Reports out of Texas are that a prisoner has escaped maximum security prison today near the Mexico/US border.His name is not known but his alias is said to be “Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman.”
Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman is known as being one of the creepiest, most dangerous, most mentally unstable humans to ever walk the planet.
There is some solid intel that points to his intended destination being Arlington, VA.Estimates are that he will arrive some time in the early evening on Friday, December 17th.Experts are beginning to formulate opinions that he will target a Christmas house party full of the drunkest young adults that he can find in the area.The overwhelming conclusion is that he will end up trying to carry out his attacks at the 7th Annual Tacky Christmas Party SoireeSpectacular.
The State Department has immediately begun compiling a list of ways to protect yourself from this lethal individual should he find your party.
WHAT FOLLOWS COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE.This is a list of techniques that Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman has been known to use against his victims and the corresponding maneuvers that you can use to deflect his attacks.THE KEY TO THESE DEFENSE MANEUVERS IS THAT THEY BE EXTREMELY TACKY.
Situation #1:
Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman presents his business card to you.Its bone coloring, pale nimbus font, and slightly raised wax lettering could end you right then and there.
DEFENSE MANEUVERS:
Present back to him your own business card…so incredibly Christmas tacky that it defies all belief.Suggested templates:
This particular card encompasses some crucial elements.Cheesy tag line?Check.Santa?Check.Elf with pointy ears?Check.Reindeer?Check.Little squirrel thingy?Check.
Another example for reinforcement purposes:
Cheesy tag line?Double check.Polar bears?Check.Fish with two holes cut in the ice so they can jump and smile at you?Check.Penguins?Bonus points.
Both of these cards would leave Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman cringing, shaking, absolutely furious that your business card was better than his.He would give up his attack and move on.
IT HIS HIGHLY RECOMMENDED THAT YOU COME PREPARED WITH BUSINESS CARDS THAT LOOK LIKE THESE.
Situation #2:
Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman goes off on the following rant about his appreciation for Huey Lewis and The News:
Their early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when Sports came out in '83, I think they really came into their own, commercially and artistically. The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost. He's been compared to Elvis Costello, but I think Huey has a far much more bitter, cynical sense of humor.In '87, Huey released this, Fore, their most accomplished album. I think their undisputed masterpiece is "Hip to be Square", a song so catchy, most people probably don't listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it's also a personal statement about the band itself.
Or Phil Collins:
Do you like Phil Collins? I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where Phil Collins' presence became more apparent. I think Invisible Touch was the group's undisputed masterpiece. It's an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums. Christy, take off your robe. Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument. Sabrina, remove your dress. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship, the sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism. Sabrina, why don't you, uh, dance a little. Take the lyrics to Land of Confusion. In this song, Phil Collins addresses the problems of abusive political authority. In Too Deep is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as anything I've heard in rock. Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your asshole. Phil Collins' solo career seems to be more commercial and therefore more satisfying, in a narrower way. Especially songs like In the Air Tonight and Against All Odds. Sabrina, don't just stare at it, eat it. But I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group, than as a solo artist, and I stress the word artist. This is Sussudio, a great, great song, a personal favorite.
DEFENSE MANEUVERS:
Respond with your own rant about your obsession for the “Love Actually” song (I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my, toes…) or the whole movie for that matter.
Start belting out Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” as if you were driving in your car to work every day in December with it on your ipod Christmas play list.
Go off on a tangent about how you have a weakness for any Christmas song by Michael Buble because of his buttery smooth voice.
Recite any line from “Home Alone” or “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.”
Situation #3:
Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman pulls out a nail gun.
DEFENSE MANEUVER:
You pull out a massive candy cane.
Situation #4:
**PAY ATTENTION: MOST LIFE THREATENING SITUATION OF THEM ALL
Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman delivers any of the following:
Left Jazz Hand.
Double Jazz Hands--> Burst.
Shoulder -->Chin.
OR
Crank.
DEFENSE MANEUVER:
**THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO DEFEND AGAINST ANY OF THE ABOVE MOVES:
Double Dream Hands.
It his highly recommended that you review this training tutorial before Friday.It will show you the moves you can expect from your Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman.But more importantly, it will show you how to do Double Dream Hands.If this move is not executed to perfection, you are certain to meet your demise.
Please take this report seriously and be aware of the danger you are in.
The upside-down Christmas tree has shown itself to be a prominent and effective weapon in the battle on classy christmas parties. Until recently, finding an upside-down tree in the wild befitting of said occasion was a rare and special event. WikiChristmasLeaks has obtained instructions for the self installation of said Upside-down Christmas tree (henceforth referred to as the UDCT) appropriate for certain levels of handiness.
Little Cousin Kyle* snuck into the Tacky Christmas HQ (where the party is located) whilst the staff was enjoying some post-Christmas-Nacho comas. He was on a mission. The Committee for a tackier Christmas is stumped as to why, but the staff at WikiChristmasLeaks is thrilled to have received the map he was able to carefully sketch out in crayon (from memory!). He reads at a second grade level, maps like Columbus, and we have it on good authority that he was vaccinated from the cooties via a circle circle dot dot cootie shot from Melissa at recess. The girls of Mrs. Miller's class are NOT pleased.
*Diagram may or may not accurately reflect a pictorial version of the current threat
Intelligence reports collected over the past few years are indicating a disturbing, and possiby dangerous scenario playing out in kitchens, campsites and quite possibly even bathrooms across America. Yes, on domestic soil! Un-named individuals (to be clear, they have names, but those have not been released) have been observed and suspected of a home-grown enriching operation The exact methods and chemicals vary from operation to operation, but the public needs to be on the lookout. More after the jump...
SOMEONE GRAB THE YULETIDE SALSA: ITS TIME FOR CHRISTMAS NACHOS
Looks like someone followed instructions and got friendly with a few girls. Do they bake?
Excellent work!
They brought cookies to the party? Even better! But how will all those cookies be consumed before they spoil?
Time for a time honored secret family recipe to be released to the internets. With a few simple household ingredients, the cookies scored at that flawlessly-executed Christmas party can be turned into this festive spin on a Mexican-American classic.
As a part-time connoisseur of the original dish, the author of this recipe is familiar with the basics of nacho construction. He took this knowledge and mixed in a healthy amount of North Polish cuisine. Perhaps this recipe can fit into that new wave Latin-Arctic Fusion category that seems so hot right now. One thing is for sure, it captures the festive spirit of the season as well as most of the important food groups.
This dish is intended to be consumed in groups, family style. Chase with cold milk. Recipe after the jump...
We all remember, Brett Favre, he of Brett Favre Wants to Get Tacky fame. Well it turns out he's found himself in a bit of a Good News/Bad News scenario.
First, the bad news, because everyone always starts with the bad: Brett Favre's consecutive starts streak is over as 297.
The good news however is not that you can currently purchase your very own Brett Favre Signed and Inscribed 297 Start Football for only $500. Instead, WikiChristmasLeaks is delightted to report that it has obtained wxclusive additional text (picture) messages indicating Brett has gotten his hands on an exclusive Tacky Christmas Party invitation. It should be noted that showing up in the jersey of your division rival when everyone expects you to be a Packer for life might not be considered tacky enough. A throwback Packers jersey just might do it though.
***Sources have also indicated that Washington Redskins placekicker Graham Gano would like to attend, but the official stance here at WikiChristmasLeaks is not to be surprised if he misses it.
Beginning with Thanksgiving, Americans go on an unadulterated food binge that does not end until new year's resolutions are written in stone and hopeless mouth breathers pick the latest trendy diet while pledging to "Get Healthy!" We have it on good authority (Kim Kardashian's twitter) that this year's HAWT new diet is to only eat egg whites, wheat bread, paprika, and pomegranate juice, and then sleep face down. I know it works, Khloe lost 8 lbs in 3 days! According to the Department of Health* these trendy diets last an average of 26 minutes before its back to the 3 B's for the majority of Americans (Beer, Butter, and Bacon).
Crispy!
Many Americans pretend to lament this season. There is no reason for this. Everyone is all bundled up in their winter clothes (lumpy Christmas sweaters!) and spending time with family. There is absolutely no reason to look good for your family. No matter what you look like, your mother will find something wrong. Why let her dig for a character flaw/hit you where it might hurt when it is much easier to trick her into grabbing love handles and shaking her head with disdain? Plumping up before and during family gatherings is the recommended course. It sets the bar low, setting up the perfect comeback story of how a "weight issue" was overcome. America loves the comeback. See more after the jump...
The resourceful editors of this blog have not fixed their computer yet, but have found a new way to share the secrets. THE CHRISTMAS MAYHEM SHALL CONTINUE
While attempting to complete a document for upload late thursday/early friday, the wikichristmasleaks central computer acquired a virus that has temporarily thrwarted their efforts. How did this happen? Puppies. The editor was downloading google image search results for puppies, and one was a corrupted file with a copy of the run32dll.exe virus. The editor is currently searching for the proper antibiotic for this electronic clap, but hopes that posting will continue via another secret, more secure computer in the near future. The post that was to run today is complete sans the photos that go with it (PUPPIES AND COOKIES). It should be posted sometime in the near future.
While attempting to upload a classified document (cookies!) the proprietor of wikichristmasleaks came under digital attack and acquired a virus on his personal computer. The wikichristmasleaks servers are safe (for now), but unfortunately the stream of documents may be blocked momentarily. Bear with us, we hope to be back up and running soon.
Executive summary of meeting minutes released from the monthly Recording Industry Association of America production call 2 weeks ago:
Holiday sales are up big across the board as the country tries to spend its way out of depression. Its time for artists to kick it into high gear and capture the Holiday market segment. Some notable artists have already been hard at work in the studio.
PLANNED CHRISTMAS ALBUMS FOR RELEASE TUESDAY DECEMBER 14th:
DMX
Album Title: I'll be Home for Christmas
Top Singles: White Christmas, I'll be Home for Christmas (title track), Oh Holy Night
DMX makes his triumphant return to the industry with his much awaited White Christmas LP. This acoustic album is DMX getting in touch with his softer, gentler side. He has clearly put the time and effort into this one, as there are 3 discs and 49 songs. His raspy chords add a realness that Bing Crosby never could. The title track is so filled with anguish, you can actually feel him clawing at the prison bars, trying to get home for Christmas. While the traditional hits will be the singles, do not sleep on his original score. Best original track is an ode to Santa and his reindeer: Ryde or FLY, a Christmas party anthem for years to come. Def Jam - $29.99
Justin Bieber
Album Title: White Christmas
Top Singles: The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late); Jingle Bell Rock; Little Drummer Boy
The Biebs transcended internet sensation in favor of cultural icon about the time Tom Brady stole his hair cut. This alone should give him free reign with classic Christmas tunes, but his cover song roots and church choir chops will take his modernized versions to the top of the seasonal charts. The autotune won't hurt either, as these classics get a modern spin that will certainly send the tweens into a class 5 twittercane. Most of his fans singing along to All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth will be telling the honest truth. Island - $15.99
Ke$ha
Album Title: $anta Baby
Top Singles: Let It $now, Let It $now, Let It $now; Wreck the Halls, $tuff My $tocking
There is no stopping the Ke$ha express. The lyrics on her debut album Animal pushed censors to the limits, and the lyrics on her debut Christmas album will not be sung in any churches anytime soon. Its apparent Ke$ha has accepted her "working girl" image, but her club thumping $tuff My $tocking will certainly become a late night favorite at Sapphire before its added to the caroling sheet for the choir. She doesn't seem to mind, and neither should you when you find yourself humming the catchy beat to yourself on your morning commute. Let them stare, she would. RCA - $14.99
