Beginning with Thanksgiving, Americans go on an unadulterated food binge that does not end until new year's resolutions are written in stone and hopeless mouth breathers pick the latest trendy diet while pledging to "Get Healthy!" We have it on good authority (Kim Kardashian's twitter) that this year's HAWT new diet is to only eat egg whites, wheat bread, paprika, and pomegranate juice, and then sleep face down. I know it works, Khloe lost 8 lbs in 3 days! According to the Department of Health* these trendy diets last an average of 26 minutes before its back to the 3 B's for the majority of Americans (Beer, Butter, and Bacon).
Many Americans pretend to lament this season. There is no reason for this. Everyone is all bundled up in their winter clothes (lumpy Christmas sweaters!) and spending time with family. There is absolutely no reason to look good for your family. No matter what you look like, your mother will find something wrong. Why let her dig for a character flaw/hit you where it might hurt when it is much easier to trick her into grabbing love handles and shaking her head with disdain? Plumping up before and during family gatherings is the recommended course. It sets the bar low, setting up the perfect comeback story of how a "weight issue" was overcome. America loves the comeback. See more after the jump...
The easiest way to do this is to embrace the truly American tradition of Christmas cookies with both hands and a large Tupperware container. The Christmas cookie tradition was started by the dinosaurs in Germany over a thousand years ago, but it was perfect by Americans in 1908. Now cookies abound in stores, restaurants, kitchens, and the food network. Dozens of extra cookies are made with each batch. Here are some tried and true methods for snagging enough of the surplus to keep the sweaters snug around the middle. Be careful, however, because with great power comes great responsibility, and remember that cookies are not just for breakfast anymore.
Typically, the secret to an abundance of cookies is befriending loads of girls. According to the U.S. Census Bureau^, girls bake better and more often than guys. If you are a girl, make more friends that are girls. If you are not a girl, start clicking that friend request button. At least pretend to be friends with them during the holiday season. Do not be so friendly so as to require giving a gift, but do make sure you are close enough to share cookie activities with them. Cookie Activities? Cookie Activities are the events below in which girls will bring delicious and fresh Christmas cookies.
(NOTE: No photo for puppy/baby approach because searching for puppy photos is what killed the wikichristmasleaks computers to begin with. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED)
This point has been beaten to death, but puppies and babies are kryptonite for all cookie-baking girls. Get your hands on one of each to guarantee cookies for the season. Borrow a baby or a puppy (or both) and set up shop like a doctor's office. Space out some blocks of time for some cookie bakers to hang out with the baby or puppy in question. Repeat lines like "s/he's so cute when he eats" and "s/he's got a sweet tooth" Both lines are species neutral. Its even possible to plan pictures of the puppy/baby in question eating, just be careful not to let the little rascal eat too many cookies during this whole process. Those cookies are for you!
This might be the greatest cookie disseminating invention of all time. Its when a group of people get together and simply trade cookies. They each make a few dozen of their specialty treat, and then meet together to trade their homogeneous dozens to create a super combo of dozens of different cookies. They each leave with the Captain Planet of cookies. The difficulty is getting an invite to these powdery affairs. This is where the girls come in again. If you are hitched to one, chances are there are cookies in your future. If not, infiltrate these circles via the friend route noted above. Then try this line, "my mom makes absolutely the best _______ in the world! you have to try them" when you hear of a possible exchange on the horizon. Then, after you score the invite, head to the grocery store and buy some ready made stuff. Be sure to take them out of the plastic container and put them on one of your plates before you show up. Bring lots of empty tupperware.
This one is for the advanced cookie monger. There are several major components that must be executed flawlessly in order for this to work. The general idea is to incite a healthy competition between two known bakers. These can be friends, family members, coworkers, or twitter followers, but ideally they are local, competitive, and might have a bone to pick with each other or perhaps a reason to impress you, the eventual judge. The idea is as American as it is simple. One on one, mano y mano, who makes the better baked goods. The correct execution, however, is much more difficult. Equally difficult is convincing the kitchen combatants that you are a capable and deserving judge. The seeds of this confection combat must be planted months in advance. The preferred method here is to be complimentary, but backhandedly. Try some of these lines: "These cookies are fantastic! They remind me of Sheila from accounting's recipe!" or "These smell like my mom's famous M&M cookies, but I think she uses more vanilla. Did you use vanilla?" and "You've got to try some of Amy's Christmas snickerdoodles, they might be better than yours!" This will obviously lead any baker with any self-respect to prove that their culinary skills are superior. This leads to cookies in the cupboard. Be careful not to hurt any feelings to deeply though, lest this cookie well dry up and a reputation for abrasiveness make its rounds throughout the office. Only attempt this if well skilled at treading on thin icing.
This one should be easy for most guys. Just play dumb. Really dumb. Miss Teen South Carolina dumb. Then, be willing to Vanna White in the kitchen for a bit, and voila, cookies! Constantly lament that you miss your mother's famous Christmas cookies so badly but you are just too inept to possibly attempt to make them around your friends who can back. Repeat how easy she said it is, and how mom even tried to explain it over the phone, but some people just aren't cut out for baking. Then set up a date with a sympathetic baker to come "teach" the secrets of "baking." Plan a few "mishaps" along the way to make the case seem hopeless (The editor recommends flour mishaps - easy to fake without ruining the recipe, and oddly endearing if done correctly). Make sure to stay involved enough to make the teacher feel like they have done the impossible, but be careful not to ruin the recipe. When the cookies are shared after completion, they will taste like victory. And victory is a gateway drug to heated holiday hootenanny! Meeeyowwwww.
Tacky Christmas Parties
This might be the best way to get yourself the Comstock Lode of holiday sweets, and is certainly the favored method of the editor of this site. It takes some serious work though. A decent list of friends that might enjoy sharing a beverage and celebrating the season must be built. A suitable venue that can accommodate both guests and cookies must be found. A date must be chosen, an Evite must be written, and in some cases a blog of leaked info must be created. Drinks have to be purchased, a
*The Department of Health has not published this. Probably because it is not true.
^Census Bureau doesn't have this data, but it is scientific FACT.