Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman is known as being one of the creepiest, most dangerous, most mentally unstable humans to ever walk the planet.
There is some solid intel that points to his intended destination being
The State Department has immediately begun compiling a list of ways to protect yourself from this lethal individual should he find your party.
WHAT FOLLOWS COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE. This is a list of techniques that Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman has been known to use against his victims and the corresponding maneuvers that you can use to deflect his attacks. THE KEY TO THESE DEFENSE MANEUVERS IS THAT THEY BE EXTREMELY TACKY.
Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman presents his business card to you. Its bone coloring, pale nimbus font, and slightly raised wax lettering could end you right then and there.
Present back to him your own business card…so incredibly Christmas tacky that it defies all belief. Suggested templates:
This particular card encompasses some crucial elements. Cheesy tag line? Check. Santa? Check. Elf with pointy ears? Check. Reindeer? Check. Little squirrel thingy? Check.
Another example for reinforcement purposes:
Cheesy tag line? Double check. Polar bears? Check. Fish with two holes cut in the ice so they can jump and smile at you? Check. Penguins? Bonus points.
Both of these cards would leave Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman cringing, shaking, absolutely furious that your business card was better than his. He would give up his attack and move on.
IT HIS HIGHLY RECOMMENDED THAT YOU COME PREPARED WITH BUSINESS CARDS THAT LOOK LIKE THESE.
Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman goes off on the following rant about his appreciation for Huey Lewis and The News:
Their early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when Sports came out in '83, I think they really came into their own, commercially and artistically. The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost. He's been compared to Elvis Costello, but I think Huey has a far much more bitter, cynical sense of humor. In '87, Huey released this, Fore, their most accomplished album. I think their undisputed masterpiece is "Hip to be Square", a song so catchy, most people probably don't listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it's also a personal statement about the band itself.
Or Phil Collins:
Do you like Phil Collins? I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where Phil Collins' presence became more apparent. I think Invisible Touch was the group's undisputed masterpiece. It's an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums. Christy, take off your robe. Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument. Sabrina, remove your dress. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship, the sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism. Sabrina, why don't you, uh, dance a little. Take the lyrics to
Respond with your own rant about your obsession for the “Love Actually” song (I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my, toes…) or the whole movie for that matter.
Start belting out Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” as if you were driving in your car to work every day in December with it on your ipod Christmas play list.
Go off on a tangent about how you have a weakness for any Christmas song by Michael Buble because of his buttery smooth voice.
Recite any line from “Home Alone” or “Home Alone 2: Lost in
Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman pulls out a nail gun.
You pull out a massive candy cane.
**PAY ATTENTION: MOST LIFE THREATENING SITUATION OF THEM ALL
Left Jazz Hand.
Double Jazz Hands --> Burst.
**THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO DEFEND AGAINST ANY OF THE ABOVE MOVES:
Double Dream Hands.
It his highly recommended that you review this training tutorial before Friday. It will show you the moves you can expect from your Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman. But more importantly, it will show you how to do Double Dream Hands. If this move is not executed to perfection, you are certain to meet your demise.
Please take this report seriously and be aware of the danger you are in.
Good luck, Godspeed, and MERRY TACKY CHRISTMAS.