Thursday, December 16, 2010

DANGER: PRISONER ON THE LOOSE, THREATENS 7TH ANNUAL CHRISTMAS PARTY SOIREESPECTACULAR


EXTREMELY
urgent news has just been handed in to WikiChristmasLeaks. Reports out of Texas are that a prisoner has escaped maximum security prison today near the Mexico/US border. His name is not known but his alias is said to be “Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman.”

Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman is known as being one of the creepiest, most dangerous, most mentally unstable humans to ever walk the planet.


There is some solid intel that points to his intended destination being Arlington, VA.
Estimates are that he will arrive some time in the early evening on Friday, December 17th. Experts are beginning to formulate opinions that he will target a Christmas house party full of the drunkest young adults that he can find in the area. The overwhelming conclusion is that he will end up trying to carry out his attacks at the 7th Annual Tacky Christmas Party SoireeSpectacular.

The State Department has immediately begun compiling a list of ways to protect yourself from this lethal individual should he find your party.


WHAT FOLLOWS COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE. This is a list of techniques that Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman has been known to use against his victims and the corresponding maneuvers that you can use to deflect his attacks. THE KEY TO THESE DEFENSE MANEUVERS IS THAT THEY BE EXTREMELY TACKY.



Situation #1:


Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman presents his business card to you.
Its bone coloring, pale nimbus font, and slightly raised wax lettering could end you right then and there.



DEFENSE MANEUVERS:


Present back to him your own business card…so incredibly Christmas tacky that it defies all belief. Suggested templates:




This particular card encompasses some crucial elements. Cheesy tag line? Check. Santa? Check. Elf with pointy ears? Check. Reindeer? Check. Little squirrel thingy? Check.


Another example for reinforcement purposes:




Cheesy tag line? Double check. Polar bears? Check. Fish with two holes cut in the ice so they can jump and smile at you? Check. Penguins? Bonus points.


Both of these cards would leave Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman cringing, shaking, absolutely furious that your business card was better than his. He would give up his attack and move on.


IT HIS HIGHLY RECOMMENDED THAT YOU COME PREPARED WITH BUSINESS CARDS THAT LOOK LIKE THESE.



Situation #2:


Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman goes off on the following rant about his appreciation for Huey Lewis and The News:


Their early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when Sports came out in '83, I think they really came into their own, commercially and artistically. The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost. He's been compared to Elvis Costello, but I think Huey has a far much more bitter, cynical sense of humor. In '87, Huey released this, Fore, their most accomplished album. I think their undisputed masterpiece is "Hip to be Square", a song so catchy, most people probably don't listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it's also a personal statement about the band itself.





Or Phil Collins:


Do you like Phil Collins? I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where Phil Collins' presence became more apparent. I think Invisible Touch was the group's undisputed masterpiece. It's an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums. Christy, take off your robe. Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument. Sabrina, remove your dress. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship, the sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism. Sabrina, why don't you, uh, dance a little. Take the lyrics to Land of Confusion. In this song, Phil Collins addresses the problems of abusive political authority. In Too Deep is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as anything I've heard in rock. Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your asshole. Phil Collins' solo career seems to be more commercial and therefore more satisfying, in a narrower way. Especially songs like In the Air Tonight and Against All Odds. Sabrina, don't just stare at it, eat it. But I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group, than as a solo artist, and I stress the word artist. This is Sussudio, a great, great song, a personal favorite.



DEFENSE MANEUVERS:


Respond with your own rant about your obsession for the “Love Actually” song (I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my, toes…) or the whole movie for that matter.


Start belting out Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” as if you were driving in your car to work every day in December with it on your ipod Christmas play list.


Go off on a tangent about how you have a weakness for any Christmas song by Michael Buble because of his buttery smooth voice.


Recite any line from “Home Alone” or “Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.”




Situation #3:


Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman pulls out a nail gun.




DEFENSE MANEUVER:


You pull out a massive candy cane.


Situation #4:


**PAY ATTENTION: MOST LIFE THREATENING SITUATION OF THEM ALL


Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman delivers any of the following:


Left Jazz Hand.



Double Jazz Hands --> Burst.



Shoulder -->Chin.




OR

Crank.



DEFENSE MANEUVER:


**THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO DEFEND AGAINST ANY OF THE ABOVE MOVES:



Double Dream Hands.





It his highly recommended that you review this training tutorial before Friday. It will show you the moves you can expect from your Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman. But more importantly, it will show you how to do Double Dream Hands. If this move is not executed to perfection, you are certain to meet your demise.


Please take this report seriously and be aware of the danger you are in.


Good luck, Godspeed, and MERRY TACKY CHRISTMAS.









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