Thursday, December 9, 2010

JUST LEAKED: Christmas albums hitting the stores in time for stocking stuffers

Executive summary of meeting minutes released from the monthly Recording Industry Association of America production call 2 weeks ago:

Holiday sales are up big across the board as the country tries to spend its way out of depression.  Its time for artists to kick it into high gear and capture the Holiday market segment.  Some notable artists have already been hard at work in the studio.



Album Title: I'll be Home for Christmas
Top Singles: White Christmas, I'll be Home for Christmas (title track), Oh Holy Night

DMX makes his triumphant return to the industry with his much awaited White Christmas LP.  This acoustic album is DMX getting in touch with his softer, gentler side.  He has clearly put the time and effort into this one, as there are 3 discs and 49 songs.  His raspy chords add a realness that Bing Crosby never could.  The title track is so filled with anguish, you can actually feel him clawing at the prison bars, trying to get home for Christmas.  While the traditional hits will be the singles, do not sleep on his original score.  Best original track is an ode to Santa and his reindeer: Ryde or FLY, a Christmas party anthem for years to come.  Def Jam - $29.99

Justin Bieber 
Album Title: White Christmas
Top Singles: The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late); Jingle Bell Rock; Little Drummer Boy

The Biebs transcended internet sensation in favor of cultural icon about the time Tom Brady stole his hair cut.  This alone should give him free reign with classic Christmas tunes, but his cover song roots and church choir chops will take his modernized versions to the top of the seasonal charts.  The autotune won't hurt either, as these classics get a modern spin that will certainly send the tweens into a class 5 twittercane.  Most of his fans singing along to All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth will be telling the honest truth.  Island - $15.99

Album Title: $anta Baby
Top Singles: Let It $now, Let It $now, Let It $now; Wreck the Halls, $tuff My $tocking

There is no stopping the Ke$ha express.  The lyrics on her debut album Animal pushed censors to the limits, and the lyrics on her debut Christmas album will not be sung in any churches anytime soon.  Its apparent Ke$ha has accepted her "working girl" image, but her club thumping $tuff My $tocking will certainly become a late night favorite at Sapphire before its added to the caroling sheet for the choir.  She doesn't seem to mind, and neither should you when you find yourself humming the catchy beat to yourself on your morning commute.  Let them stare, she would. RCA - $14.99

1 comment:

  1. Tik Tok Santa Version

    Wake up in the mornin', feeling like Kris Kringle
    (what up boy??)
    Grab my reindeer, i'm out the door, i'm feelin fat 'n single
    before i leave i brush my teeth with a bottle of Cider
    HO HO HO is what i scream when i come inside her....