Friday, December 17, 2010
WikiChristmasLeaks has received word that this document was intended for release at the party. It is apparently some sort of completion game. The idea is to complete items in the squares. Traditionally, this is known as the American game of Bingo, with a player winning with a complete row, column, or diagonal line. It has also been known to be played to completion of the entire board, or "blackout."
We have it on good authority that first to blackout* wins a significant prize.
Please bingo responsibly.
*blackout their bingo card, not their memory
Thursday, December 16, 2010
But this is a stunning example of tackiness at it's finest.....
Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman is known as being one of the creepiest, most dangerous, most mentally unstable humans to ever walk the planet.
There is some solid intel that points to his intended destination being
The State Department has immediately begun compiling a list of ways to protect yourself from this lethal individual should he find your party.
WHAT FOLLOWS COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE. This is a list of techniques that Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman has been known to use against his victims and the corresponding maneuvers that you can use to deflect his attacks. THE KEY TO THESE DEFENSE MANEUVERS IS THAT THEY BE EXTREMELY TACKY.
Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman presents his business card to you. Its bone coloring, pale nimbus font, and slightly raised wax lettering could end you right then and there.
Present back to him your own business card…so incredibly Christmas tacky that it defies all belief. Suggested templates:
This particular card encompasses some crucial elements. Cheesy tag line? Check. Santa? Check. Elf with pointy ears? Check. Reindeer? Check. Little squirrel thingy? Check.
Another example for reinforcement purposes:
Cheesy tag line? Double check. Polar bears? Check. Fish with two holes cut in the ice so they can jump and smile at you? Check. Penguins? Bonus points.
Both of these cards would leave Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman cringing, shaking, absolutely furious that your business card was better than his. He would give up his attack and move on.
IT HIS HIGHLY RECOMMENDED THAT YOU COME PREPARED WITH BUSINESS CARDS THAT LOOK LIKE THESE.
Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman goes off on the following rant about his appreciation for Huey Lewis and The News:
Their early work was a little too new wave for my tastes, but when Sports came out in '83, I think they really came into their own, commercially and artistically. The whole album has a clear, crisp sound, and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost. He's been compared to Elvis Costello, but I think Huey has a far much more bitter, cynical sense of humor. In '87, Huey released this, Fore, their most accomplished album. I think their undisputed masterpiece is "Hip to be Square", a song so catchy, most people probably don't listen to the lyrics. But they should, because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity, and the importance of trends, it's also a personal statement about the band itself.
Or Phil Collins:
Do you like Phil Collins? I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where Phil Collins' presence became more apparent. I think Invisible Touch was the group's undisputed masterpiece. It's an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums. Christy, take off your robe. Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument. Sabrina, remove your dress. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship, the sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism. Sabrina, why don't you, uh, dance a little. Take the lyrics to
Respond with your own rant about your obsession for the “Love Actually” song (I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my, toes…) or the whole movie for that matter.
Start belting out Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” as if you were driving in your car to work every day in December with it on your ipod Christmas play list.
Go off on a tangent about how you have a weakness for any Christmas song by Michael Buble because of his buttery smooth voice.
Recite any line from “Home Alone” or “Home Alone 2: Lost in
Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman pulls out a nail gun.
You pull out a massive candy cane.
**PAY ATTENTION: MOST LIFE THREATENING SITUATION OF THEM ALL
Left Jazz Hand.
Double Jazz Hands --> Burst.
**THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO DEFEND AGAINST ANY OF THE ABOVE MOVES:
Double Dream Hands.
It his highly recommended that you review this training tutorial before Friday. It will show you the moves you can expect from your Patrick Jazz Hand Bateman. But more importantly, it will show you how to do Double Dream Hands. If this move is not executed to perfection, you are certain to meet your demise.
Please take this report seriously and be aware of the danger you are in.
Good luck, Godspeed, and MERRY TACKY CHRISTMAS.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Monday, December 13, 2010
Beginning with Thanksgiving, Americans go on an unadulterated food binge that does not end until new year's resolutions are written in stone and hopeless mouth breathers pick the latest trendy diet while pledging to "Get Healthy!" We have it on good authority (Kim Kardashian's twitter) that this year's HAWT new diet is to only eat egg whites, wheat bread, paprika, and pomegranate juice, and then sleep face down. I know it works, Khloe lost 8 lbs in 3 days! According to the Department of Health* these trendy diets last an average of 26 minutes before its back to the 3 B's for the majority of Americans (Beer, Butter, and Bacon).
Many Americans pretend to lament this season. There is no reason for this. Everyone is all bundled up in their winter clothes (lumpy Christmas sweaters!) and spending time with family. There is absolutely no reason to look good for your family. No matter what you look like, your mother will find something wrong. Why let her dig for a character flaw/hit you where it might hurt when it is much easier to trick her into grabbing love handles and shaking her head with disdain? Plumping up before and during family gatherings is the recommended course. It sets the bar low, setting up the perfect comeback story of how a "weight issue" was overcome. America loves the comeback. See more after the jump...
Friday, December 10, 2010
While attempting to complete a document for upload late thursday/early friday, the wikichristmasleaks central computer acquired a virus that has temporarily thrwarted their efforts. How did this happen? Puppies. The editor was downloading google image search results for puppies, and one was a corrupted file with a copy of the run32dll.exe virus. The editor is currently searching for the proper antibiotic for this electronic clap, but hopes that posting will continue via another secret, more secure computer in the near future. The post that was to run today is complete sans the photos that go with it (PUPPIES AND COOKIES). It should be posted sometime in the near future.
We appreciate your patience.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Holiday sales are up big across the board as the country tries to spend its way out of depression. Its time for artists to kick it into high gear and capture the Holiday market segment. Some notable artists have already been hard at work in the studio.
PLANNED CHRISTMAS ALBUMS FOR RELEASE TUESDAY DECEMBER 14th:
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Original post here:
Monday, December 6, 2010
Super-Secret Tacky Egg Nog Concoction
- 6 large Egg
- 17 tracks of Christmas music
- 1 case of Light Beer of choice
- 1 cup Powdered sugar
- 15,250 ml Dark rum, brandy or bourbon
- 4 cups Whipping cream
- 1 live Chicken
- 1/2 cup peach or apricot Brandy
- 16 oz. of Holiday Cheer
- Freshly ground Nutmeg
1. Separate eggs and refrigerate the whites.
2. After placing whites in refrigerator, pour 8 ounces of rum or bourbon into medium sized glass.
3. Consume rum until libations settle into vocal cords.
4. Beat yolks until light in color.
5. Begin playing Christmas music
6. Gradually beat in sugar while singing along to N’Sync on repeat.
7. Slowly beat in 1 cup of rum with one hand, while consuming a second cup with the other.
8. Let stand covered for at least 1 hr.
9. During this period continue to imbibe on rum to keep vocal cords limber. Every 20 minutes be sure to partake in one (1) holiday shotgun with other party-goers. This will ensure dance moves have a nice, delicate texture later into the evening.
10. While mixture continues to stand, warm apple cider on stove top while mixing excessive amounts of rum into pot and distribute indiscriminately
11. Add rest of liquor, cream, and peach brandy to mixture and guests, beating constantly—the mixture that is. Refrain from beating guests until “Pin the Tail on the Reindeer” begins. Then feel free to demonstrate your dominance.
12. Refrigerate, covered, for 3 hours. Use this time to inflate giant Santa in your living room or decorate yourself with Christmas lights.
13. Beat egg whites until stiff, fold in.
14. Serve sprinkled with nutmeg and garnished with Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas” again, preferably on repeat.
15. Try to figure out where that live chicken disappeared to.