To: Vogue EIC
Here's the list to include in our Holiday issue. Remember, bigger is good. Brighter is Better. Battery Powered is best.
On the 12th* day before tacky Christmas the fashion experts at Vogue gave to me: 12 HOT ways to make your Tacky Christmas HOTTER than ever:
11: Teachers are the new purple. Ask a current sculptor of minds or past favorite for insight into how they perennially stay atop the tacky Christmas fashion ladder
10: Inspiration is the key to tackiness. Abstract art, aroma therapy, and Home Alone should suffice
9: Go Green: Environmentalism goes beyond organic peanut butter. Seasonal greens add more than color. Nothing says "Hug me" like a holly wreath.
8: Christmas Safari: Sure Santa had reindeer, but this year's in crowd will be sporting Christmas giraffes, elephants, buffalo, and lemurs. The more obscure the better. There is nothing worse than having thesecond best "Christmas Ho-Ho-Hippo" sweater.
7: The audacity of Cheer: Dare to change the definition of tacky. There are no stripes that don't go with checks, no candy canes that don't go with presents. Your creativity will be rewarded with gasps and nicknames.
6: Make noise! Bells and whistles are encouraged, but singing clothing provides entertainment for all to enjoy. When picking songs, stick to the classics
5: Be seen! I'll see your seasonal music playing pin and raise you a fully functional light up Christmas tree sweater. Electrifying!
4: Forget the name brands. Marc and Ralph don't have what this season is looking for. Instead, go off the rack for hidden gems from such designers as "Xmaspressions" "Miss Clause" and "Victoria's Secret." Do you love it? I love it! Smirk...I got it at Ross!
3: One word: Onesie
2: If your closet is lacking tack, bring a gift to make up for it. Specifically, we are looking for the Rock Band Santas One Night World Tour Christmas Special Edition featuring Mariah Carey's Christmas Family Fun 2.0 Edition. If you don't have this handy, you better be all tacky'd out.
1: Go Big or Go Home. Winning outfit gets commemorative 7th annual Tacky Christmas Holiday Party Spectacular Soiree hangover. Limited edition, while supplies last.
*Note: there are only 11 days until the party. See if you can squeeze it in. That's what she said.