Tuesday, December 7, 2010

TOP SECRET: Turning Frat Boy Drab into Festive Holiday FAB! in three easy steps

It happens at every seasonal cocktail party with a theme.  Somebody decides they are better than the party.  They are bigger than the party.  They don't need to dress up.  Even the legendary Annual Tacky Christmas Party Soiree Spectacular has had its fair share of wet bro-blankets.  Take this picture for example:
The last of the Brohicans? I sure hope so.

Observe the inherent differences between the two subjects.  Note the ear to ear grin on the festive party-goer on the right, and the dreary indifference of the brofessional on the left.  There is no doubt in my mind that the subject on the right was having a better time, and likely looks back fondly on the event to this day.  Meanwhile, I can say with certainty that the subject on the left consistently practices asocial behaviors and self-ostracizes on a regular basis.  This is no way to go through life.  A simple application of 3 household items would undoubtedly turn this unwanted interloper into the life of the party.  Secrets revealed after the jump...

Step 1: The elf boot

A simple pair of elf boots will add significant flair (WOO!) to even the most bromantic outfit.  Simply replacing boat shoes with a pair of these little fashion fun-factories lets everyone at the party know that you have come for the nog, and you don't care if Santa knows it.

Don't have a pair laying around? Make your own with some green felt or construction paper.  I use an old pair of green slippers that were once worn by astronauts, and revelers are none the wiser.  I get compliments all night.

Step 2: Mistletoe Headband

FACT: Nobody in any of your well-traveled social circles actually knows what mistletoe looks like.  Is it poisonous? There will be nobody there who can say for sure, so make up a good story about how mistletoe saved your life when your plane went down in the Amazon.

To make this item, borrow a headband from a girl, or from your drawer if you are already a girl.  Then head to the nearest garden and rip out some plant life that looks green and festive.  Then adorn it to the headband with a hot glue gun, duct tape, or popsicle sticks (for structural integrity).  You will instantly be the belle of the ball! You'll get more kisses than Justin Beiber at a tweet and greet with 42 tween girls.

Step 3*: The Sweater

This is the coup de grace of the entire ensemble.  There are a few key factors that can turn an outfit into the focal point of the entire party.  

First, originality.  There is nothing more embarrassing than showing up to the party and finding your sweater twin already 4 glasses of cider in, telling tall tales to your ex about how they saved a small child holding a puppy on the way to the party.  That cannot be overcome.  

Second, color.  There needs to be lots of red and green for sure, but bonus style points are awarded for copious amounts of clashing colors that don't belong in the Christmas spectrum.  This gem pictured above has both elegance and sass, with the playful snowman naughtily creeping forth from within.  What else might be in store for whomever is lucky enough to undo those buttons? It will take more than a couple mugs of keg beer to find out.  A classy sweater like this one demands brandy.  And peppermint schnapps.  

Third, size.  Despite what you've heard, it doesn't matter if its too big or too small, as long as it doesn't fit, it'll be a hit.  Go big and burly with shoulder pads and lots of room, or small and chic with the very fibers stretching to the point of sheer Christmas mesh. Rarrr!

Bonus: lights, sounds, gadgets, whistles, bells and other interactive accouterments.  Need a conversation starter? Tell that cutie in the corner how much they "turn you on" as you make the Christmas tree light up before there eyes.  Just be quick to turn it off, should they try to pour a beer on your head, to avoid a messy holiday electrocution, Clark W. Griswold.

I realize that some of the fashion challenged out there won't have one of these items in their closets.  Have no fear.  Simply call up your old 5th grade teacher, swing by your local k/wal-mart, or surprise your mom with a visit and raid her closet.  She misses you and your fridge is empty.  Its win-win.

Let's see what happens when we use the power of the coke zero time machine to travel back in time and prevent this party patron from making a huge mistake:


I'm pretty sure ol' St. Nick wouldn't let these two go home alone.  

Please, do what you can to dress responsibly this year.  If you must reach out to help a friend, please do it.  Not for me, but for yourselves.  And Christmas.

*Note: it is often easier to put the sweater on before the mistletoe headband.


  1. Props on the use of "rarrr": "Go big and burly with shoulder pads and lots of room, or small and chic with the very fibers stretching to the point of sheer Christmas mesh. Rarrr!"

  2. Congrats Ash! as the first commenter on the blog, you win a prize! Collect at the party.