TOP SECRET: RECIPE RELEASED! WORLD WELCOMES CHRISTMAS NACHOS!!

SOMEONE GRAB THE YULETIDE SALSA:  ITS TIME FOR CHRISTMAS NACHOS

Looks like someone followed instructions and got friendly with a few girls.  Do they bake?

Excellent work!

They brought cookies to the party? Even better!  But how will all those cookies be consumed before they spoil?

Time for a time honored secret family recipe to be released to the internets.  With a few simple household ingredients, the cookies scored at that flawlessly-executed Christmas party can be turned into this festive spin on a Mexican-American classic.

As a part-time connoisseur of the original dish, the author of this recipe is familiar with the basics of nacho construction.  He took this knowledge and mixed in a healthy amount of North Polish cuisine.  Perhaps this recipe can fit into that new wave Latin-Arctic Fusion category that seems so hot right now.  One thing is for sure, it captures the festive spirit of the season as well as most of the important food groups.

This dish is intended to be consumed in groups, family style.  Chase with cold milk. Recipe after the jump...

Basic nacho construction requires a solid base (crispy tortilla chips); fresh, seasonal ingredients that add flavor and substance (tomatoes, chicken, lettuce, beans, rice); a binding agent to bring it all together (CHEESE!); and some toppings to add contrast and finish the dish at the end (salsa, sour cream, onions, jalapeños, and guacamole).  CHRISTMAS NACHOS follow the same governing principals, and strive to emulate the delicious goodness revered the world over using the following substitutes:

Structure:

In lieu of chips, the delectable Christmas cookies will serve as the building blocks of this dish.  The key is to choose hearty cookies that will withstand the onslaught of sugar and sugar products that are soon to cover them like liquid hot Christmas magma.  Sugar cookies and Oreos are strongly recommended.  Try to avoid your gooier, crumblier cookies. (Author's note: since the Christmas Party and cookie exchanges are still in the future, store bought cookies had to be substituted for demonstration purposes only.  When constructing your own CHRISTMAS NACHOS, accept no substitutes.)

Binding Agent:

Cheese can never be replaced, but its saltiness will not got well with this new edition.  Instead, frosting will suffice.  If available, funfetti is highly recommended, but try not to limit the dish with just one type.  In the same way that 4 cheese Mexican blend is better than just cheddar, and assortment of frosting styles and types is better than just one.  The sum is greater than the parts.  Be sure to liberally apply the frosting everywhere.  Nachos without enough cheese can ruin an entire weekend.   CHRISTMAS NACHOS without enough frosting could conceivably ruin the entire yuletide season.

Flavor and Substance:

Replacing the classic flavors of the grilled chicken, beans, rice, lettuce and tomatoes are the classic flavors of the season: Hershey's kisses, Reese's Peanut Butter Bells, Peeps, and gooey and crumbly cookies.  The key with these ingredients, identically to classic nachos, is distribution.  Pockets of flavor must be avoided.  In the same manor that nobody wants the chip that is soggy with bean juice, nobody wants a soggy cookie.  Crumble those cookies up nicely, spread out the peeps, and be generous with the chocolates.  Everyone loves chocolate.  Except communists.

Finishes:

The symmetry continues all the way through the finish.  Replace the salsa, guac, sour cream, onions, and jalapeños with chocolate sauce, decorative frosting, and candy cane dust.  These items really bring the whole dish together, and correct application just before baking is key to properly distributing the flavors.  Be sure to drizzle the sauce liberally over the entire dish, as it will permeate through the absorbent cookies as it melts.

The candy cane dust is its own beast.  The finer the candy canes are ground up, the easier it is for the minty flavor to come through in the dish, without sacrificing texture by ruining some bites with large chunks of hard candy.  A cooking hammer is likely the best option here, or a rubber mallet.  Leave the candies in the bag while grinding to avoid a sticky mess.

Take classic candy canes:

Unleash the fury:

Peppermint dust.  The finer the better

Mt. Diabeetus

Once the mountain of diabetes has been built, throw it in the oven or microwave to melt the chocolate, frosting, and peppermint dust before serving.  If the oven is chosen, watch carefully that some elements do not burn.  If the faster microwave option is chosen, peep placement becomes vitally important.  They have a tendency to expand rapidly or even explode in the microwave, so be sure to place them in a non load-bearing capacity.  One plate can put an entire U-11 rec league soccer team on a sugar rush/Halloween tummy ache/food coma in under 1 hour.  Enjoy!

I hate my teeth

Now, who brought the Christmas Piñata?